a hodge podge of thoughts that may or may not make any sense at all

the simple truth: Finally made it back to the wednesday yoga this week after a brief hiatus in which the girls and I tested the hypothesis that wine in and of itself was sufficient for mid-week relaxation. The consensus (at least from my standpoint) is alternation. I can't bring myself to choose against either, because they are both just great (athough they don't really mix all that well). Anyways the point is that the focus for the class was simplicity, and our instructor read us a passage emphasizing the importance of realizing your simple truth and then embodying it. Instead of trying to be all of these different things for all of these different people in all of these different situations, just find the simple you, the essence of you, and be that always. Much less stressful. No need to worry anymore about how to be in any given situation. Just being instead. 

I feel like when it comes to me, most people who know me know what they are going to get. I'm not very mysterious, nor have I ever really wanted to be. I enjoy being who I am. The key for me in this was putting an emphasis on the simplicity. Paring down the things that I add to my psyche that clutter the essence of me, that don't serve me in some positive way, and that cause me unnecessary stress. Trying to let go of all that and embrace the simplicity. 

the collective apathy: I decided that I love this phrase. I said it the other day and the had to google it directly to see if I could claim it as my own. Unfortunately I cannot, ha. There is a blog named after it, which I haven't read yet, but it doesn't look like they update it too terribly often, plus they don't know me or my little corner of the web SO whatever I'm still using it. ANYWAYS. The collective apathy is for real. I think it can also be called your twenties. Unless you are one of those that is already a CEO at age 23, in which case please excuse yourself from this section of the post as it doesn't apply to you, although you aren't really helping the C.A. situation so thanks for that.

Basically it goes like this- the majority of people that I talk to who are in their twenties have the same sort of attitude toward life in general. We are in staggered stages of bafflement, facing varying degrees of disenchantment from coming to terms with the fact that working life is nothing like we had once thought it would be in the romantic mindsets of our naivete. And who can blame us? Having to consciously make the decision to put someone else's demands and time schedule before your own and to become bonded to bills before you even realize it and to come to grips with the choice of either doing this for eternity or figuring out some other feasible and functional plan is A LOT TO DEAL WITH. And the fact that most of us are all going through this together means it's really difficult for any of us to pull each other out of it. So we continue on our paths, clinging to optimism and every bit of laughter that we can because we have to hope that eventually we will figure this thing out. And hopefully get a raise and more vacation days.

the dark days: so speaking of apathy... It's about to be super dark outside ya'll. Like... only light for the 8 hours a day that i'm IN AN OFFICE kind of dark. My mind thinks it's bedtime at like 6 p.m. I guess it's kind of cool in a way, because we get to see what life is like in Greenland, or, I dunno, the North Pole. [No wonder Santa hasn't been able to lose those 20 lbs. It's even HARDER to go to the gym when it feels like it's 10:30 at night.. COME ON.) But, from my 23 years of experience I never remember being upset about this time change for more than like a day [I have an attention span strikingly similar to a goldfish, apparently.] So I'm sure I'll get acclimated fine. And maybe I'll take some long lunches.

the holidays: I. Love. Holidays. Not so much the CF planning hell that comes along with the holidays, but it's all part of it so whatever. FIRSTLY, we got lots of days off for the holidays. PLUS lkj and I are going on vacay right before thanksgiving so it's like double bonus. AND, beginning with our anniversary [which was last week, 7 years yay us], there are literally 6 holidays crammed into the span of like two and a half months [anniversary, halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve, and my birthday. Yes I am counting that as a holiday for myself.] Plus other people's birthday's mixed in. So I'm pretty stoked. By the time we get through that whirlwind of celebration, the dark days will be a thing of the past.

Probably I should go do some actual work now. Happy Friday friends!

Two blogs one post

Today I blogged for my job and I got really excited. 

It wasn't that I wrote about anything earth-shattering, or that it was nobel prize-winning, or that tons of other people don't do the exact same thing every day. But I had never done a post for the company blog before, and I was all nervous and weird because I didn't feel like I was an "expert" on anything and I didn't want to post something that didn't mesh with the culture of the  company and blah blah...

It's something different and kind of exciting blogging as a representative of a collective intelligence rather than just telling all of you in various ways that I'm baffled by life, occasionally tossing in other random anecdotes that come to me [also fun-just not in the wow-this-could-be-my-career kind of way.]

It's sort of like the name-in-lights kind of thing, just not quite as bright. Also, I can't help but be a little giddy when I'm at work and really enjoying what I'm doing.

Anyways I had a lot of fun doing it. You should check it out here.

I shouldn't be this lazy, or, why my gym only costs 15 dollars a month

Things that I will choose as a legitimate excuses for not working out:

Sleep

Let's go get Sushi
There's wine here
The Chinese place next to my gym smells way better than my gym

I'm on the phone and pacing (that counts as a workout, I think)

The cat is being sweet and letting me hold her
I don't feel like taking a shower it takes forever

I left work like, 7 minutes late today

Also traffic is really bad
Now I have a headache, I think

Look at how cute the cat is when she sleeps
I'm pretty sure my stomach is eating itself I'm so hungry

Let's go get Mexican

There are margaritas here

She isn't working out either

I walked up two flights of stairs today

I may have danced some last weekend

Target is on the way home I might as well go ahead and stop

Let's get a pedicure!

I just washed my hair last night

My sports bras are dirty from the "yoga" I did

I think I twisted my ankle earlier because I wore heels

Let's go get Chinese at the place by my gym

I just coughed some I might be sick

At this rate, I'll be in great shape never. Because I keep eating Oreos.


BUT. Conversely.
Things that make feel guilty enough that I actually drag my ass to the gym and get on the elliptical for 15 minutes?


[Let's be honest, people.]
Randomly seeing a person who at one point or another was healthier than you, in the best way possible of course, but technically you were still "smaller" and now, fml, they've dropped, like, half a person and look just awesome (yay them) and suddenly your jeans feel less loose and you might as well have eaten steamed lard for lunch.


Whatever works?

I'm not convinced the grass is even green you guys.

Hear me out.

I have a Jane-bird. She tells me all of the time that I have a "grass is always greener" complex. I thought about it some and decided she's probably right. But I don't think I'm the only one. I think most everybody sort of has a "grass is always greener" complex. It's just some people are better at realizing it and then, you know, not thinking that the grass over there is greener than the grass over here.

So last night, after revisiting the subject over pints with some of my favorite hem-hawers, we threw another option in the mix. Maybe the grass isn't even GREEN, ya'll. I know, crazy stuff. Try to wrap your head around it... So the non-green grass theory states that pretty much there is always going to be something to bitch about. Whether you are here in this grass or over there in that grass, if you want to complain about something bad enough there will be something there to complain about. If you truly desire to be in bad mood, you totally can be, no matter what grass you're in.

Further, the "grass is always greener" complex is closely related to the "graduation goggles" school of thought. In this case, I think the grass is still actually green, and you still think the grass over there is greener, but right as you decide that you must in fact have that greener grass, the clouds shift and the sun sheds a beam on your nice little patch, and it looks just awesome, and you forget why on earth you ever wanted to leave it.

I decided that basically, humans are ridiculous. We are in general pretty spoiled and temperamental and we take ourselves entirely too seriously. We don't know what we want, mostly because there's just so much out there to do that we couldn't possibly be happy in our current states, lest we should miss out on something else. As with everything, moderation is key. A little bit of restlessness is just enough to ensure progression. But in the very same breath, we need to let ourselves be. Just be for a little while. Long enough to decide if the grass really isn't just as green as any other after all.

Maybe this doesn't apply to you at all. You may be thinking, "This girl is batty, I've gotten lawn of the month three times this year, no way that grass over there is greener than mine." In which case my response would be kudos, with a slight sarcastic huff under my breath for good measure. But if it does apply to you, I think the moral of the story is that grass is grass. Let's stop worrying about it so much. I mean, it's grass.

i can't even figure out a title for this post kind of mental block

It's supremely (yes, supremely) frustrating to me when I have the inclination to blog and can't. Not, like, physically can't. I still have all of my fingers I assure you. It's more can't like I keep writing things in this daunting little white box and even go through the effort of linking things and putting pictures in it and then, in a fit of dissatisfaction, delete it all.

Supremely frustrating.

I am willing to take full responsibility for this ridiculousness. I am contrary and over-analytical and apparently have unrealistic expectations for...myself? While at the same time being kind of tired and headache-prone.

It's a blog identity crisis. A blogdentity crisis.

I just did it again. Right here. There were words and quips. Now they are gone.

I can't figure out my angle.

So like, some people write about mental health, and some people write about weddings, and some people write about fashion, and some people write about couponing. And other writers are all about green living and eating right and etsy shoppes and music that isn't cool yet and new devices that aren't out yet but are already cool. And then you have the people that write about themselves, so basically about nothing in particular, but they throw in some funny stuff and they talk off-hand and they are interesting mostly because you get to see someone being candid and sort of disrespectful, and who doesn't love candid and sort of disrespectful. And then you have that one glaring question that stares every blogger in the face at some point in their blogging careers, and that is Who Really Gives.

So that's kind of where I'm at. If I labeled myself I'd like to be the candid and disrespectful type, but the thing with that is, if you can't go all in, there's really no point in half-assing it. Then you are just the blog version of a scripted reality TV show that shamelessly plugs the network instead of sticking it them.

Blogdentity shmogdentity.

(Real words.)

Even now I am contemplating deleting all of this and leaving my most recent post about clothes I haven't bought yet to linger at the top for another week or so.

Blerg. 

Serious mental block. Do they have an over-the-counter for this?

window shopping

Yesterday felt like Friday. So much so that when my alarm went off this morning, I couldn't help but feel as though I was being unjustly dragged into work on a Saturday. (That this is clearly false is irrelevant.) 

Anyways I've been shopping.

Not, like, real shopping. More like, style planning. 

Basically, lkj and I are heading to Vegas in about a month and a half, and I am doing some recon. Do you know what lives in Vegas? Well lots of things. My dad lives there, which is of course the primary reason for our visit. BUT. Something else lives in Vegas.

H&M.

Now I have been painstakingly good about not shopping in light of my new budget and all that nonsense. I'm actually out of a few important things simply because I won't let myself wander around Target unattended. But, come November, I will have saved up enough cash  that I can, without a shred of guilt, get wonderfully lost amidst racks of blazers and leggings and scarves and silky tops. 

There's this cool thing on H&M's website (which still will not let you shop online, something  I just cannot make myself understand) that let's you play dress up with a slightly taller, considerably more model-esque version of yourself.

So, I've been having a little fun.

This would be a work outfit I think. My favorite is the blazer ($29.95)

www.hm.com

Another work option. Love the shoes. ($39.95)

www.hm.com

This would be a lounge, go-see-a-movie, effortlessly awesome outfit. You know how I feel about leggings. (I heart leggings. $12.95)

www.hm.com

This one would be a date-night option. I am in love with this dress. ($14.95)

www.hm.com

This is more wishful thinking than anything else. My legs would not look like that in this outfit. Mostly because they are like half as long. But I do love the contrast of the bright scarf on the cardi. Love the cardi ($19.95)

www.hm.com

If I bought all of these things, including necklaces, shoes, bags, and the whole nine yards, I would need to go to Vegas with an extra $455 big ones. So yeah we might have to skim it down a little. But oh my gosh how fun!!

Now I just have to hope they keep all of my picks in stock for you know the entire beginning of the fall fashion season (.....)

Fingers crossed.

screaming at the steering wheel

happiness hit her like a train on a track / coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back

she hid around corners and she hid under beds / she killed it with kisses and from it she fled

with every bubble she sank with her drink / and washed it away down the kitchen sink

and I never wanted anything from you / except everything you had
and what was left after that too
happiness hit her like a bullet in the back / struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that


leave all your love and your longing behind 
you can't carry it with you if you want to survive


I bet my steering wheel wishes I sounded a little more like florence.