Friday, July 22, 2011

put down the cement blocks

It's about that time again where I feel the need to reorganize my life and start doing some much-procrastinated things. This happens every few months or so (once a month if you were to ask lkj, in which case I would promptly give him the stink-eye and he would laugh). Usually I can get a little progress out of each effort, though, so it's worth it. Plus, it's important to keep yourself in check lest you become stagnant and boring and spend all of your money before you realize you should not.

I have three things on my list. Two are equally difficult, I would say, while the other is born out of sheer laziness and old routine. I would like to discuss the most thought-provoking.

I need to put a check on my guilt complex. I was thinking about it the other day, and the picture that came to mind was me, running back and forth from all of my commitments carrying these huge cement blocks. Just lugging them with me everywhere and being exhausted by the time I got somewhere, not to mention drenched in sweat. 

I come by this complex honestly. But I suppose that doesn't require me to keep it forever like an heirloom of sorts. I would much prefer a nice set of pearls.

So I dug in. Where does the icky dread of guilt come from? I think it all goes back to that whole time relativity thing. I think, for me, the G.C. comes from not feeling like I have enough time to devote to all of the people I care about in my life and all the things I feel like I need to do and so on and so forth. But then I started thinking that time is subjective. It's hardly stable enough to support an entire complex as heavy as guilt. It's always changing, we just don't look at it that way.

Have I lost you? Think about it this way. When we were in elementary and even high school, we saw our parents all the time (because we lived with them, obvi.) We hung out with them everyday. We saw our friends all day long at school, and if you were anything like me, you probably saw them all weekend and spent many a night sharing a bed with them at your house or theirs. Same goes for siblings and extended family. At that point in our lives, that is how our time was naturally distributed, effortlessly. 

So now, we are coming into adulthood (dental insurance and all), and our time has changed it's distribution. We now spend the majority of our time in this new environment with all these new rules of professionalism and courtesy. Now there are new factors, new commitments, new tasks that must be done that require you to spend your time in different ways than before. And with the time you have left, you must distribute wisely.

This is where the G.C. comes in (and the stress, of course.) How do you do everything you want and need to do and keep your head on straight and manage to not just cover all of your bases but actually enjoy your moments with people and still have time to sleep?

I have decided to drop the stress (this will take much effort, I am sure.). If I spend so much time worrying about time, I'm really just losing the value of the present and that is simply counterproductive. We can only do what we can do. We should only do that which makes us happy and helps us grow. And I think you figure out eventually that, if you relax (you meaning me), time will present itself to you (again, me) in ways that would have been otherwise overlooked.

All this to say that I am working on my perspective and trying to give my brain a break. Oh, and I'm going to (however unwillingly) pump the brakes on spending money that I don't have and also join a gym. (For real this time.)

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